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I Won the Lottery … Again?

I think that so much identity theft online is due to people responding to emails such as the one below. How can anyone really believe something with this many errors (I lost count after 50) is legitimate? It’s one of many online scams obviously been written by someone whose first language isn’t English.

Dear Beneficiary

This is Oregon Lottery Department, We are writing to officially inform you about
the ongoing free award given prize from Oregon US Lottery Online Promotions. Email
Belong to the said beneficiary have been selected as one of our lucky online participant to partake in this free giving online promotion Award.

Below is the prize description and more information about this Prize given to you.
Please read carefully from beginning to end and treat genuinely.

Description prize;

$800,000 USD

Please Note: There are online Lottery Scam that can be found on the Internet such
as BMW Lottery Scam, which you can easily search on google. Our Company(Oregon
Lottery) have never been recognized as one the partakers of Online Lottery Scam.
Please search the Internet for confirmation if you have any doubts.

As a proof of our legitimacy we have a confirmation of a participant who won the
sum of $6,400,000 from Iraq and due to security reason, he pleaded for his name not
to be revealed on the Internet.

We provided the link so you can make confirmation by yourself and for you to know
we are well verified.

This lottery selection process was carried out through random selection in our
computerized email selection system (ESS) from a database of over 10,000 email
addresses drawn out from USA and Canada, your email appear to be among the lucky winners, this is the reason we contacted you.

Our Lottery Organization was also confirmed by Prof. I. Nelson Rose the eminent
professor of law at the Whittier Law School in California that Oregon Lottery
method of providing Online tickets and free award to beneficiaries around the globe
to lottery participants is (100%) Legitimate.

The Oregon Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the
International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR).

To begin the processing of your prize you are to contact your fiduciary agent
assigned for you with her information below and she would be providing you her ID
for verification of her Identity before proceeding on delivering your prize.

Name: Eileen Benko
Work uslotydepartment@gmail
State: Florida
Country: USA
State of Residence: Oregon
Occupation: Fiduciary Agent

Due to Online Frauds and to prevent a third party from getting your winnings and
prize, We have provided a little security check that will enable us confirm we are
in contact with the real owner of this email. Please Provide your Fiduciary agent your winner ID and also the following information needed below for security check.

Oregon : 466125AGDY02/13.


Full Name:
Direct Mobile Number:

This would enable her give you the next required step in completing this
transaction and delivering your prize to you successfully.

Congratulations once again,

FINAL NOTE: Replying this email with your winner ID and information?s required
would take you straight to your Fiduciary Agent automatically. Always know you are
replying to her directly.

Mr. Barry Pack

For the record, I have won lotteries in Oregon, Nigeria, the United Kingdom and the United Nations, which as far as I know, doesn’t have a lottery.

Until next time! Use the right words!

It’s here! My début book, “If You Experience Death, Please Call: And Other Fatal Mistakes We Make With Language” is available on Amazon for only $14.95.  Order here.


September 29, 2016 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

As Opposed to “As Late as Possible?”

Once again, a networking meeting provides me with fodder.

This time, it’s a report of a fellow networker suffering from cancer. The group president announced that a member has cancer and he’s fighting it, and “We’re sure he will be back as soon as possible.”

To which I thought, No, he’s going to be back as late as possible. I don’t mean “late” as in “dead,” either. It’s just that it seems obvious to me that someone will be back as soon as possible if he wants to be there in the first place, which he does.

So, duh.

It’s here! My début book, “If You Experience Death, Please Call: And Other Fatal Mistakes We Make With Language” is available on Amazon for only $14.95.  Order here.

September 27, 2016 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

The Answer Isn’t Always “Money”

While watching “Pardon the Interruption” the other day, host Tony Kornheiser quoted former NBC executive Don Ohlmeyer as having told him, “The answer to all your questions is money.”

So, being the smart-ass I am, I decided to come up with several questions in which I knew the answer was not “money.” For example, why is the sky blue? (A: air molecules scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light) and why is the grass green? (A: chlorophyll).

But in researching Ohlmeyer’s quote, I found out he more than likely said, “If the question is about sports,  the answer is money.”

So, here are 10 sports questions in which the answer isn’t “money.”

  1. What are the dimensions of an Olympic-sized swimming pool? (A: 50 meters long by 25 meters wide)
  2. How tall is a hurdle? (A: five heights, ranging from 27 inches to 42 inches)
  3. Who holds the record for most career home runs? (A: Barry Bonds, 762, although some would say Sadaharu Oh with 868)
  4. How high is a volleyball net? (A: 7 feet, 4⅛  inches for women/girls, 7-11⅝  for men/boys)
  5. How many yards is a football team penalized for being offside? (A: five yards)
  6. What is a split in bowling? (A: two or more non-adjacent pins are left standing after the first roll of a frame)
  7. What is an eagle in golf? (A: two strokes under par on a hole)
  8. How much must a boxer weigh to be considered a heavyweight? (A: at least 201 pounds)
  9. What does a red card mean in soccer? (A: a player is sent off and the team must play with one fewer players)
  10. Why is the marathon distance 26 miles, 385 yards? (A: According to The International Amateur Athletic Federation website, the distance was set at 26 miles at the 1908 Olympic Games in London, and increased another 385 yards when the starting line was pulled back so it could be seen by the children in the Royal Nursery at Windsor Castle and still finish in front of Queen Alexandra at the White City Stadium in west London.)

So there.

It’s here! My début book, “If You Experience Death, Please Call: And Other Fatal Mistakes We Make With Language” is available on Amazon for only $14.95.  Order here.

September 15, 2016 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cause and Effect, and Football

Here’s another example of how you mean something, but a day later, you realize it means something else.

And it comes from me.

My high school reunion was last weekend (it’s been 30 years since I graduated). Beside the main dinner on Saturday, there was a bar crawl, golf tournament and football game in the days leading to it. Being the sports guy I am (and because my volleyball game I was supposed to officiate got canceled), I attended the football game.

The day before, I wrote on Facebook: “Looking forward to seeing many of you at tomorrow’s football game. Go Bulldogs! They’re currently 0-2 unfortunately, but that changes tomorrow!”

Originally, I optimistically meant that the team will get its first victory, but later I realized that, duh, of course that changes tomorrow. It’ll either win or lose (no tie because of overtime).

The team lost 35-0, falling to 0-3.

It’s here! My début book, “If You Experience Death, Please Call: And Other Fatal Mistakes We Make With Language” is available on Amazon for only $14.95.  Order here.

September 13, 2016 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Euphemism For George Carlin

The late, great George Carlin once did a routine about euphemisms (see it here) in which he railed against soft language that hides reality. He gave several examples: “shell shock” became “post traumatic stress disorder,” “the dump” became “the landfill,” “information” became “directory assistance,” and my favorite: “Thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won’t have to die; I’ll pass away.”

I recently came across one that I think Carlin would have loved. You know when a television episode airs for the second time and every time thereafter? When I was a kid, it was called a repeat.

Now, it’s called an encore presentation.

Here’s what’s wrong with that. First, as per Carlin, it’s more syllables: two for repeat, six for encore presentation.

Second is the word encore. It means “a demand for repetition or reappearance made by an audience” and “a reappearance or additional performance in response to such a demand.”

Traditionally, that’s when the audience screams with delight at a concert or something similar, and the musician (or performer) comes out and does something extra.

I was in the gym exercising, and the TV overhead (that I could not control) showed an encore presentation of “The View.” I don’t think anybody was asking for this episode of “The View,” especially considering it wasn’t even one with Whoopi Goldberg in it.

As Carlin would say, “Bullshit. It’s a repeat, and it’s OK.”

It’s here! My début book, “If You Experience Death, Please Call: And Other Fatal Mistakes We Make With Language” is available on Amazon for only $14.95.  Order here.

September 1, 2016 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment


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