How Bizarre for a Bridal Gorilla to Feel Jealousy

In looking for another topic to write about, I randomly opened a stylebook to allusion/illusion. Ooh, I thought, I could do a list of words that sound similar but have very different meanings.

An allusion is an indirect reference: “The allusion was to his opponent’s war record.” Illusion is an unreal or false impression: “A mirage is an optical illusion.”

But then I found word groupings that either sound the same but mean something different, or don’t sound the same but are often used interchangeably — and incorrectly.

Here are 10, with humorous asides courtesy of vocabulary.com and me:

Bazaar/bizarre — A bazaar is a market and bizarre describes something kooky. There could be a bizarre bazaar run by monkeys selling people feet. For those of a certain age, “Bizarre” was a comedy show in the 1980s starring John Byner. It also was where I first encountered Bob Einstein, aka Super Dave Osborne.

Bridal/bridle — Bridal is related to a bride, but bridle refers to a part of a horse’s harness and what you do with it. Although the words sound the same, they run in different circles unless you’re getting a horse ready for her wedding. In which case, that filly is about to become a mare. But that’s enough of this horse (non)sense.

Envy/jealousy — It’s no fun to feel envy or jealousy because both make you feel inadequate. Envy is when you want what someone else has, but jealousy is when you’re worried someone’s trying to take what you have. If you want your neighbor’s new convertible, you feel envy. If she takes your husband for a ride, you feel jealousy.

Envy also has less anger attached to it than jealousy. 

Gorilla/guerrilla — You might see a gorilla in a zoo, but a guerrilla (sometimes spelled with one R), is someone who belongs to a group of independent fighters. If you remember your high school Spanish, you’ll know the difference. Unfortunately, I can’t roll my Rs. 

Useless trivia: My favorite Latin name of an animal is the gorilla: Gorilla gorilla.

Historic/historical — Something historic has a great importance to human history. Something historical is related to the past. People with big egos get them mixed up if they say they had a historic family background. Unless they helped win a war, it was probably just historical.

Irony/satire/sarcasm — All fall into the category of, “That’s funny but I’m not sure what my English teacher wants me to call it.” 

Irony describes situations that are strange or funny because things happen in a way that seems to be the opposite of what you expected. “The Twilight Zone” was a master of this, perhaps never better than when Burgess Meredith had all the time in the world to read, only to have his glasses break.

Satire means making fun of people by imitating them in ways that expose their stupidity or flaws. “Saturday Night Live” does this almost every show. As with satire, sarcasm depends on the listener or reader to be in on the joke. Sarcasm is insincere speech. Not to be confused with facetiousness, in which the insincere speech is more playful. Sarcasm is much more angry and bitter.

Mantel/mantle — A mantle is a covering, like a robe. But a mantel is a ledge over a fireplace. If Little Red Riding Hood tosses her cloak on the shelf above her fireplace, she has a mantle on the mantel.

My what big mantles you have, Grandma! The better to wear for you, my dear!

And what big mantels you have, Grandma! The better to see your pictures, my dear!

Paradox/oxymoron — A paradox is a logical puzzle that seems to contradict itself. No it isn’t. Actually, it is. The sentence “This statement is false” is a paradox.

An oxymoron is a figure of speech — words that seem to cancel each other out, like “working vacation,” “jumbo shrimp” or “instant classic.” 

Also, my brother. He went to Occidental College. That makes him an Oxy Moron!

Pitiable/pitiful/piteous/pitiless — The key is to recognize the base word: pity, meaning “to feel sorry or compassion for someone else’s misfortune or sorrow. Pitiless is without pity. The other three all refer to deserving pity to some extent, but there are differences.

Pitiable describes something that’s pathetic of miserable, like a kitten’s cry when it’s stuck in a tree. Piteous makes you feel pity of concern, like seeing a homeless person. Pitiful is just pathetic. If you don’t study for your test, you’re making a pathetic attempt to do well on it.

Pretentious/portentious — I’ll close with “The Godfather” references. Fake mobsters in suits and spats are pretentious. But a horse head in your bed? That’s portentous. 

And also, call the police.

Until next time! Use the right words!

leebarnathan.com

He Was a Loser in More Ways than One

I head on the radio today a feature on “The Heidi & Frank Show” in which they read three stories and asked viewers to call in and pick which one was “Loser of the Week.”

The three stories:

1) A guy tried to kiss his pet poisonous cottonmouth snake near its mouth, and it bit him.

2) A guy in Buffalo, N.Y., was cited for Driving While Intoxicated — right after he left the courthouse in which he had pled guilty to Driving While Intoxicated.

3) A guy advertised on Craigslist that he had “legitimate counterfeit money” for sale. He ended up selling said money to an undercover cop and was arrested.

I actually thought the drunk driver was the biggest loser of the three, but I want to point out the moron who used an oxymoron.

Oxymoron is defined as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words.” Jumbo shrimp, original copy, definite maybe, pretty ugly and working vacation are good examples.

So is legitimate counterfeit.

So is my brother. He attended Occidental College, which makes him an Oxy moron.

Until next time! Use the right words!

leebarnathan.com